Last week, our homestudy for a second child was approved and sent to Korea. We are now officially waiting for a girl. With wait times for girls at our agency nine months and pushing outwards, it’s highly probable that our future daughter has not yet been conceived.

Our agency has just changed its Korea program policy on allowing prospective adoptive parents to specify the sex of the child. (Most of the literature refers to this as “specifying gender,” but since my on-line Webster’s defines gender as “the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex,” I think “sex” is the more precise word for an infant.) Previously, they allowed parents who already had one child to request a child of the opposite sex. Starting February 1, there are no special requests permitted.

Although we managed to sneak in just under the deadline, albeit unknowingly, I’m glad that the policy has changed. Like many adoptive parents, I’m uncomfortable with the concept of pre-selecting a baby’s sex. We are all too aware of the sex discrimination practiced in certain countries that leads to infant girls being placed for adoption. A preference for one sex over the other seems undemocratic.

Some adoptive parents think that choosing the sex of one’s child is tantamount to interfering with Fate, and that it is bound to end tragically. This is patently silly, but I still feel it at a gut level. Movies are pretty clear on what happens to scientists who try their hand at genetic engineering, and we associate specifying “girl” or “boy” on the adoption application with drastic measures to guarantee a girl or boy in the womb, including selective abortion. Most of us (I think) would not interfere with a pregnancy to achieve the desired sex. But neither would we monkey with our embryos’ genes to ensure brown hair or blue eyes — yet we have no problem choosing the Korea program or the Russia program or the China program based on our preference for certain physical traits. The application process simply doesn’t permit much randomness, so we don’t feel that by making choices we’re forced to make, we’re tinkering with Fate. It’s only the optional choices that leave us uneasy.

This Fate stuff is problematic when you start to parse it, anyway. Where do you draw the line between acting for yourself and letting the universe act for you? Isn’t applying for adoption trumping fate? What about having sex? If God wanted you to have a child, wouldn’t He impregnate your Himself, or arrange for you to find a baby floating among the bulrushes? Let me Google that–there might be a precedent.

That said, I approve of the change in policy because it will eliminate the double list, uneven wait times, and near-certainty that adoptive families with Korean children will all be structured the same way (elder boy, younger girl). Part of me wishes that we had not applied until after the change. I would prefer to have chance decide for me. I would be perfectly happy with a second boy, but Husband and I were compelled to specify a girl anyway. Because so many more people want to adopt girls than boys, and because there may be fewer girls available for international adoption, by not choosing a girl we would almost certainly be choosing a boy, and we did not want, by our non-choice, to close the door on the possibility of a girl.

So in the words of the inimitable Rush, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” And speaking of Rush in the news…in weird bit of synchronity, when I Googled Rush just now to find that link, I came up with this item from today’s Edmonton Sun, detailing a plea agreement for Rush lead guitarist Alex Lifeson and his son for charges of resisting arrest in Naples, Florida, where I lived for two years after grad school. What would Ayn Rand say?