Yesterday I started a new consulting gig with a client I’ve worked with on and off over the past few years. I’ve been hired so often by one department or another at this company that I’ve come to be something of a fixture there. It’s almost as if I work there, but for multiple departments. I’m like the Forrest Gump of the company, inserting myself (through the magic of CGI) into all the key events of the day: Hey, she’s in the management meeting! Now she’s attending computer training! Now she’s giving a task force presentation!

This time, some particularly efficient admin decided that I should have a badge, probably so she wouldn’t have to escort me every time I went for a cup of coffee. Then she thoughtfully reserved a cube for the length of my tenure, so she wouldn’t have to go begging space for me every day. But this launched an unstoppable Facilities juggernaut. Once my cube was on their radar, then they had to install a phone. (Just what I need: a fifth phone number and voice mail.) Once I had a phone, I was officially a “contractor,” so they awarded me a new laptop. Now I have a log-in to their network, an e-mail account, and one of those little security random number generator cards so I can log in remotely. Help! I’m being assimilated!

All of this happened within SIX HOURS of my walking in the door. I’ve had real jobs where it took weeks to get permanent space, hardware, and accounts.

I should have my 401(k) set up by the end of the week.