Two politically astute fellow Port City residents (hi guys!), noting my interest in the mayoral race, forwarded me a newsletter from candidate Stephen R. Cole (the previously-reported “handwritten newsletter”; turns out it is not handwritten, but certainly hand-assembled.) I’m no longer anonymizing him because 1. he asked for it, and 2. a Google search of his name, the city’s name, and “mayor” turns up precious little, and I thought he could use the traction.

The front of the newsletter contains a photo of said candidate standing next to an actor dressed up as Ben Franklin, with the caption, “Stephen R. Cole and Benjamin Franklin in front of Faneuil Hall, Boston, MA. We were both born on January 17 and we are both Capricorn’s [sic]. See Character and Personality on Page 2.”

What is this, a horoscope? And what’s with the superfluous apostrophe? Why is this so hard, Port City? Do we not teach this in our charming if somewhat run-down sweet little brick elementary schools?

Page 2 expands upon the Capricorn theme: “Why am I a candidate for Mayor? My character and personality as a Capricorn is [sic!] ruled by discipline, structure, and philosophy of work hard, stick to it and you will rise to the top.”

I guess they don’t teach subject/verb agreement or parallel construction, either.

“Capricorn derives great security from the continuance of projects. The goat is often a history buff and loves antiques and old buildings.”

Is he running for Mayor, or for Student Council president at New Age High?

“Think of what the antique historic buildings of down town [sic!] will look like with a four-story concrete garage towering over the middle of our precious old colonial brick buildings!”

Towering over the middle of buildings in old down town? I’m dizzy just thinking about it. But then I’m also a Capricorn, and the goat is often fond of clear writing and proper spelling.

“Most all problem solving may be worked out with sound logical common sense.”

Most all, sure. But some problem solving may be worked out with giddy flights of fancy, obviously.

“I would appreciate your vote on September 20, 2005.”

I’m actually considering it. I hear Moak is a Scorpio, and you know how they are.