I am self-employed, and I typically receive checks from clients once a month. Because of this relative infrequency, and because I pay my taxes quarterly, rather than having them deducted from each paycheck, my checks are usually much larger than they would be if I were a regular salaried employee.

Because of the way my business is set up, I have to deposit each check personally in the bank. I normally do all possible routine tasks on-line, but I have come to enjoy the little ritual of walking down to the bank with each check.

Today there was a new teller, an older man. As he processed my deposit, he said, “That sure is a lot of money. I hope you have plans to do something with it, because I hate to think of it sitting around doing nothing.”

I felt uncomfortable having this stranger commenting on the size of my paycheck, while implying that I was not financially savvy enough to handle my money properly. I recognized this as a prelude to a sales pitch, but it still made me defensive. So I smiled and made some remark about paying the bills. Then I felt idiotic, because of course I plan what I do with my money very carefully, but I sounded like the kind of person who gets paid on Friday and is broke and hungover by Saturday.

Five minutes later, going over the conversation in my head, I was kicking myself. There was no need for me to respond to such an impertinent question at all. What was I defensive about? Why did I feel I owed him an explanation? And why do I feel the need to smile and be so damned ingratiating all the time? It’s not the first time something like this has happened, either. I’ve noticed this before: Someone makes a rude remark, and it’s as though I feel so embarrassed for him that I try to smile and joke around to make him feel better. As Goffman puts it, I felt like his remark threatened his face, and I tried to cover with politeness as a face-saving strategy.

I believe women are more likely to go around trying to save face for others than men are. In social situations, this can be a good thing. For example, in the two conversations I recounted in my last post, it was perfectly appropriate for me to try to smooth things over, to make both women feel less awkward about not recognizing me as Aitch’s mother. Face-saving strategies lubricate the motions of social intercourse, as it were. But professionally, this kind of behavior makes us look weak.

I am really going to try to work on this. There’s no need to be rude in a professional situation, but there are ways to respond to impertinence that are not exactly impolite but don’t work too hard to preserve the other person’s face. Goffman calls these “bald on record” strategies.

For example, the next time the teller says, “That sure is a lot of money. I hope you have plans to do something with it,” I could respond as follows:

  • 1. “I sure do! Hookers, blow, and lottery tickets.”
    2. “Why would you assume that I don’t?”
    3. [Long silence] “Thank you for processing my check. Have a nice day.”

    • Why is that so hard?