Husband and I are down to one car, having turned in our leased SUV, and we desperately need another one. We are not too fussy about color, style, features, or even fuel economy, since we mostly drive around town. We can afford something moderately priced. We have an excellent credit rating and the money for a down payment. What would it take to get us to commit to a car TODAY? Not a hell of a lot.

Yet, when we show up at a car dealership, we are greeted with all of the warmth and alacrity usually reserved for Amway representatives or “Watchtower”-toting Jehovah’s Witnesses. Honestly, you’d think WE were trying to sell THEM something.

Yesterday, for example, we decided to check out the only new-car dealership within 20 miles, because that’s the kind of people we are: we’re so lazy we would buy a car just because it’s close. Also, we thought that American carmakers might have an incentive to sell, since they are in such dire financial straits. We arrived at the dealership at about 5:00 p.m. on a rainy Monday afternoon. We were the only customers in the place. The doors were locked, although the dealership was open. We had to get someone to come and let us in.

“We’re interested in the ABC SUV. Could we see what it looks like?”

“I don’t have one in the showroom.”

“Do you have one on the lot?”

He shows us the car on the lot. We see a version with a few more features right next to it. “Could we look at this one?”

“Well, I don’t have the key.”

“You don’t have it with you, or you don’t have it at all?”

“I don’t have it with me.”

“Could you get it so we can see the car?”

“Well, sure, I can get the key for any car on the lot.”

“Could you please get the key for THIS car NOW?”

He ambles away, eventually returns, and shows us the car.

“Can you give us some lease prices?”

“Well, they change every week.”

“Imagine we wanted to lease something today. Could you give us this week’s price?”

“Well, you have to tell me exactly the kind of car you want, the lease terms, and so forth.”

“Fine, let’s say Car X, $Y down, Z months.”

Fifteen minutes later he comes back with a price for Car X, no money down.

“How much would this be with $Y down?”

“Well, I don’t have a calculator. Just divide Y by the number of months of the lease and subtract it from the monthly payment. It’s about that.”

“And how about if we get a longer lease?”

“Well, I’d have to run the numbers again.”

I suppose we are doing it all wrong. I guess we are supposed to hone in on one car, go for a test drive, pick out the interior, color, and special features, haggle over a price, then wait for half an hour while he makes a few calls and locates that exact model in Ypsilanti, which will take 6 weeks for delivery. But, you know, all I want is for someone to hand me a sheet of paper with different lease options for a few comparable models, so I can make a choice, write a check, and drive off with a car.

Does anyone want to sell me a car?