Sometimes, when Husband goes away on a business trip, I discover reserves of energy and efficiency that are not available when he is around to help. Not only do I handle on the normal kid and house chores by myself, but I actually take on extra. This week, I made home-cooked meals every night, changed a bunch of lightbulbs that have been winking out one by one for weeks, made evening plans with friends two nights in a row, did a bunch of errands downtown with the kids in tow, and then worked two late nights in anticipation of a ninety-degree Wednesday, so I could spend the morning kayaking.

100

If I had known the mercury would climb this high, I might have just planned to stay inside in front of the computer.

When Husband got back to town, though, I desultorily reverted back to my slothful self, and everything began to slide slowly to hell. I mean, we are still keeping the kids fed and clothed, but it seems like much more of an effort, and all the little touches–tidying, errands, shopping, etc.–that I was taking care of have fallen by the wayside. I’m not sure why I, flying solo, am more productive than both of working together, but I am willing to concede that it may not entirely his fault.

For one thing, I seem to be opportunistically lazy, and when there is possibility (however remote) that someone else might pick up the slack, that’s reason enough for me to spend 15 minutes reading “Television without Pity” instead of taking out the recycling. But more to the point, it’s much easier to manage and perform the caretaking and household chores than it is to pass them back and forth from person to person.

Husband and I have a very unusual partnership in that respect. I’m aware that most (some? any?) men take a large role in child-rearing and housekeeping these days, but in most relationships, one person is the primary caregiver and, therefore, house-occupier, and the other, by virtue of being out of the house more of the time, is not. Husband and I are home exactly the same amount of time, and we share the child-care responsibilities fifty-fifty. Not only do we divide the work evenly, but we also trade off on particular tasks. Neither one of us is the primary put-to-bedder or meal supervisor or playground monitor.

On a typical day, I get the boys up and feed them breakfast, Husband takes Minor to the babysitter, I take Aitch to school, Husband plays with Minor who comes home early, I do dinner, Husband puts Minor to bed, I put Aitch to bed. And then the next day we reverse the tasks: Husband gets the boys up, I take Aitch to the babysitter, etc. Sometimes there are variations, but that’s pretty much how it goes. We never intentionally set out to do that. It started with fairness (”you sleep in today, I sleep in tomorrow”) and evolved for the sake of variety (”I put Aitch to bed last night, so I’ll do Minor tonight”). We have a more traditional division of labor when it comes to household chores, traditional in the sense that each of us has a job we do all the time (he cooks and kills bugs, and I . . . handle everything else).

I suppose it is a good thing if both parents share child-rearing equally in terms of time, but I’m not sure whether there’s any value to having each parent take turns doing each job. Intuitively, it seems very New Bohemian and appropriate and non-sexist, but in nine out of ten families one parent gets the kids ready for school while the other leaves early for work every day, and I can’t find anything wrong with that. There was a post on Bitch Ph.D. a while back blasting parents who divide child-care tasks along traditional gender roles (the mom always bathes the kids, the dad takes them to the park), but I think what she and others were objecting to was the dad appropriating the fun or easy tasks, claiming helplessness or ignorance to avoid dealing with the tough ones.

I have to say that our kids have not reacted particularly well to being handed off from Mommy to Daddy to Mommy throughout the day. They protest at the transitions. Usually, they only protest when going from Daddy to Mommy, but once they’re with him they also behave horribly. Is this because I’m so unlovable (Husband’s theory), Husband is such a pushover (my theory), or they’re anxious because they don’t know who their primary caregiver is? You might say the poor kids are constantly negotiating between different parenting and discipline styles. I honestly don’t think that Husband and I are that far apart in our approach to the kids, but they have obviously caught on that he’s a little more lenient, and they play us against each other just like children of divorce.

At the risk of sounding like one of those “feminists” who thinks we’d all be better off if women would just put on a pretty dress, modulate their voices, and submit themselves to their husband’s authority, maybe our two-parent hands-on child-rearing method is not a step forward. Maybe kids do better when they have a primary caregiver, with one or more “satellite” adults providing additional role models. Note that I am not saying it is the mother’s job to be that caregiver. Once the biological jobs of birthing and breast-feeding are done, there’s nothing about being female that equips you especially for that role. With adopted children, there’s not even that, which may be why Husband and I adapted to this child-care arrangement so easily.

I’m sure there’s a study out there that says kids with a dominant caregiver have IQ scores 2 points higher than kids of hippies who share child-rearing tasks (standard deviation = 2 points). It’s undoubtedly being used by Focus on the Family as evidence that gays and liberals should not be able to adopt.

The thing is, if I were the non-primary caregiver, I think I would really miss being shut out of certain jobs on a regular basis. I would hate it if I were NEVER the one to have breakfast with the boys, or give them a bath, or take them swimming. Although I think stay-at-home parent is the hardest job in the world, I don’t know if I could handle the jealousy of being the not-at-home parent.

Is there anyone out there who is not the primary caregiver? How do you feel about this? Or any even-Steven child-care sharers out there like us?