A number of “learning centers” have opened up in and around town recently. These places offer classes for pre-schoolers and young school-age children, and they are aimed at stay-at-home moms who want to get themselves and their children out of the house. Each has a slightly different slant. One is geared toward crafts, another toward “themed learning,” another toward music education. Through the mothers’ club mailing list, they send me messages with message headers like this:

“Join us for Dress-up, and Manicures, and Afternoon Tea!”

“6-Week Faerie Princess Class!”

“Thursday afternoon Pirate Party!”

I view the princess parties with only slightly less loathing than the unsolicited entreaties to enlarge my penis that likewise pour into my in-box, but in principle I find nothing wrong with the concept. When I was at home with the boys for a few days a week, I tried out some of these kinds of classes. In theory it seemed like a good deal: five bucks for an hour’s worth of entertainment and a way, hopefully, to wear out the kid before naptime. In practice, they seemed a little awkward. The boys never really enjoyed them that much, and frankly, neither did I. It’s too much effort to keep them on-task in a strange environment. I prefer activities where they can run a little wild, and I don’t have to monitor their behavior so closely.

Many of these learning centers seem to be businesses opened by stay-at-home mothers who think it will be a good way to generate some extra income while still staying home with their kids. I worry that a lot of these people aren’t starting off with a solid business plan and that they are going to lose their shirts. Let’s say you’re able to rent a space and buy supplies for $500 a month. At $5 a pop, you need to run 100 kids through each month just to make back your expenses. That’s 25 kids a week. At about 8 kids a party, that’s about 3 parties a week, assuming each is fully booked. That’s a big assumption, though. These spaces are competing with the more exciting, better-funded activity spaces, like the bouncy castle place, indoor playgrounds, climbing walls, etc. They’re also competing against other free or cheap activities run by the library, nature center, and the like.

To make some money — say, to take home the $600 a month that would be the rough equivalent of a half-time minimum-wage job — you’d have to find 220 kids at $5 a pop. That’s 55 kids a week, which is about 7 parties or classes a week. If each party or class is an hour and involves about an hour of prep/cleanup, that’s 14 hours a week. Sure, you’re beating minimum wage by a bit, but only if you can keep the classes fully enrolled. If you have a bad week or need to hire someone to help you or to watch YOUR kids, you’re back down to “just meeting expenses.”

I don’t think many of these places will survive, but the concept of outsourcing bits and pieces of stay-at-home motherhood is intriguing. Some savvy marketer out there will be able to make a go of it. And I predict the trend will continue for older, homeschooled kids. There will probably be learning centers where you can bring your kids to learn Spanish or jump on a trampoline or use art supplies or do any number of things that a homeschooling parent might not have the resources for at home.

And maybe one day there will be a place that gathers all of those experiences under one roof! And you could send your children there for hours at a time to learn things, instead of chauffeuring them from class to class! And they could call it…SCHOOL.