I was invited to New York for my sister-in-law’s bridal shower this weekend. Ultimately I decided that the cheapest and easiest course would be for me to fly down and back the same day, leaving the boys at home. I was a bit nervous about attending a function with Husband’s family without Husband in attendance, primarily because of my imperfect understanding of the in-laws’ classification system for conversational topics. It goes something like this:

Unclassified: Open for discussion; suitable for children and the elderly.

Restricted: Discuss only with relatives of similar religious/political bent.

Secret: Everyone knows about it, but we don’t talk about it.

Top secret: It would be easier for everyone if we kept it from your mother-in-law.

The problem with this system is that classifications are not always clearly communicated. For example, no where on the shower invitation did it state, “Surprise!” and yet, as I found out yesterday, it was indeed intended to be so. (Luckily my sister-in-law did not hear me when I said to her on the phone earlier this week, “See you Sunday at the shower!”)

Moving from sitcom territory into the fertile ground of soap operas, in the past three years there have been TWO secret marriages and ONE secret divorce in this family. Every time the door opens I expect Husband’s presumed-dead twin to walk through the door with a handgun and a cache of diamonds.

As you can imagine, I’m terrified to say more than “Hello” and “How are you?” to my mother-in-law. The truth always outs, just like on “General Hospital,” but I don’t want to be the one to break any big secrets. It seems to me that we could avoid all the drama by being open about our lives in the first place.

But that reminds me…if you see my mother-in-law, could you please not mention to her that the boys haven’t been baptized? I am not the one who told her that the “nuns in Korea” administered the sacrament, but since she already believes it, it would probably be better for all concerned if we didn’t disabuse her of the notion.