My friend, C., asked if I could dog-sit a few evenings this week. For reasons that are too complicated to go into here, the person who is taking care of her dog could not watch her overnight, so the plan was that the day-care person would walk her over to our house in the evening, and we would walk her back in the morning.

The dog arrived on schedule this evening with her harness and a three-ring binder with “care and feeding” instructions inside. A full-color picture of the dog with her first, middle, last, and nicknames was displayed on the front, and inside was the following information:

  • C.’s itinerary
  • The dog’s rabies vaccine certificate, with the tag taped to it.
  • A copy of the dog license registration form
  • The bill from the dog’s last vet visit, with all the procedures and test that were performed
  • A “friends of the dog” contact list (e-mails AND multiple phone numbers for 9 people)
  • Vet contact information, with the dog’s file number AND a note saying that C.’s credit card is pre-authorized for any veterinary expenses incurred
  • The dog’s tracking information, including microchip number, tracking ID, and phone numbers to call
  • Description of the dog’s daily routine
  • Listing of dog’s quirks (where to find her if she’s hiding, phobias, etc.)
  • Pre-printed “Lost” poster with photo and description of the dog and a space to put where she was last seen, and number to call
  • Photocopy of C.’s passport
  • Photocopy of C.’s birth certificate
  • C.’s bank account information
  • C.’s credit card information
  • A CD with all of the foregoing in electronic format

    • I’m laughing my ass off trying to think of a situation where I would need even a tenth of this information. I suppose if the dog were kidnapped by the Russian mafia and I was forced to wire money from C.’s bank accounts for the ransom, but the bank refused to release the money unless I could answer C.’s security questions, two of which were “mother’s maiden name” and “address of hospital of birth,” then it would really come in handy, and I would be laughing out the other side of my mouth.

    But for now, C., I’m not laughing WITH you; I’m decidedly laughing AT you.