Fri 16 Jan 2009
This Outbreak Brought to You by the Number 3 and the Letters WTF
Posted by Denise under Too Much Time On My HandsFor the third time, I have mono.
The last time it happened, the doctor called to give me the test result and left me with a hearty “Sucks to be you!” This time, since I was dealing with the physician’s assistant, she wanted me to come back in for a follow-up. (Have you ever noticed that for routine care paraprofessionals are much better doctors than real doctors?)
“Mono leaves you at risk for liver and spleen enlargement,” she told me. “We particularly want to take care that your spleen doesn’t rupture.”
Intact spleen: a goal we all can get behind.
“Don’t engage in any high-impact activities, like sledding, ice skating, skiing….”
In other words, pretty much everything that’s fun to do in the winter, except for…
“…or vigorous sex.”
…that. Well, at least there’s “Battlestar Galactica.”
“Now, you could rupture your spleen just sitting watching TV, of course, but don’t worry…”
Worrying!
“…you don’t need to sit around and wonder, ‘Did it rupture?’ If it ruptures, it will hurt, and you’ll know it.”
And then what?
“If that happens, go to the hospital, and we’ll admit you for observation.”
Observation? No surgery? Tylenol? Leeches?
“These days we pretty much just keep you in the hospital for observation, give you some blood, and wait for your spleen to repair itself.”
…
“So try to take it easy. Every chance you get, go to bed early…”
Ha ha ha ha ha.
“Sleep late…”
HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ha ha
“If you’re feeling tired, take a nap.”
HAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA…..Doc, I’m laughing so hard I might rupture my spleen.
January 17th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Mono? Lord have mercy, that does suck. I was feeling sorry for myself for getting pneumonia twice in six months, but at least that’s a disease you can knock dead with a handful of Cipro. Mono, if I recall correctly, is just a cold bucketful of lingering awful. You have my sympathies.
You are so right about the paraprofessionals. My most recent urgent care experience was for a foot injury (from a belly dancer’s sword, no less) and the doctor dismissed me with a “there’s no fracture visible on the x-ray, so good news, you just have a bruise. Bye!” Just a bruise, he says, and yet I can barely walk. It was the NURSE who advised me, while carefully wrapping my foot in an ace bandage, that I should go see a specialist if it didn’t improve in a few days. Good call, nurse. Boo, doctor.
Wishing you a quick recovery and NO MORE MONO. EVER.