Tue 5 May 2009
On the days I pick up Aitch from school, we sometimes hang out at the playground for a half-hour or so afterwards. He plays while I chitchat with the other parents. I find it strangely awkward to be in a social situation where I am on a “nodding acquaintance” basis with so many people. It’s easy to talk to people you know; it’s easy to ignore people you don’t know. What’s hard is talking to, or ignoring, people you sorta know.
There’s one group of kindergarten mothers there who are very good friends. I think of them as the Mommy Posse, or the Mosse. They’re not the Mean Girls; you can walk up and join them, and they’ll be perfectly friendly. (I want to be clear on that; I can’t stand how whenever more than two women are in the same room, people start using words like “catty” and “cliquey.” I participate in a lot of groups — book club and the dog-walking group and the movie night contingent — and all of them are perfectly civilized.) It soon becomes evident, though, that the Mosse is tightly intertwined, and it’s hard to join the conversation when it’s all about what they’re doing that evening, or after soccer on Saturday, or for brunch before church on Sunday. They’re not trying to be exclusive, but they are friends, whereas the rest of us are just other mothers who happens to be standing in their vicinity.
At times, I’m envious of the Mosse. It would be nice to have a permanent group of friends, and for the boys to have permanent playmates. Imagine: we would never have to go out of our way to arrange a play date (something I’m bad about doing in advance) or a parents’ night out with another couple. We would always know what we were doing on the weekend.
On the other hand, the Mosse seems like a commitment I probably couldn’t handle. That’s a lot of Cheever-esque suburban togetherness. Let’s be honest: I wasn’t good with exclusive social groups in high school, and I’m probably not any better with them now. I have my groups, as noted above, but I don’t want to hang out with any of them on a permanent basis.
Do you have a Mosse? If so, what are the advantages and disadvantages? If not, would you join one if you could, or do you consciously keep away?
May 8th, 2009 at 8:34 am
When we first moved into our neighborhood I experienced this. A few houses down from us there were 3 families who all had kids around the same age and they did everything together. I was pregnant with our first child and kind of dreamed about how we could join them after the baby was born, which never happened. Even though one of the families had a baby around the same time as we did, I think the age discrepancies between the rest of their collective children and my baby, and just the fact that they had all been friends so long contributed to the problem. They were always perfectly friendly and we’d all chat whenever we saw each other outside, but plans to get together did not happen.
We ended up becoming friends with another family a block or so away with a child the same age as our son. The two are now best friends and it worked out really well. I know what you mean about the joining and doing everything together–it’s really not for me either. I could have made more overtures to this group if I had really wanted to participate (I’m not shy), but something was always holding me back.
May 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I have kind of a mosse, and it comes from a few of us having kids at the same intervals. So there are three moms I know in my neighbourhood that have a daughter my daughter’s age, and a son my son’s age. We have all been going to the same parks/playgroups for 9 years now so we’ve forged a bond. I think we are pretty inclusive of other moms, and I think we’d be more clued in than to discuss, say, our upcoming camping trip in front of somebody who wasn’t invited. That’s like passing out the birthday invitations at school and leaving one person out.
May 16th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Yes, that is an awkward category of people, the in-betweens. There should be some strict social rules about it — it would make life a lot easier.
I think it’s a matter of being fussy about friends — which is a good thing, I believe. I have a Mosse in my city (mostly gathered via blogging), and we GET each other. Sadly, we are not in close enough proximity to just hang with a beer on the stoop. But, slowly, my husband and I have assembled three households — two with kids near in age, one without — who live within spitting distance from us. It would be a lot harder in the suburbs. I’m also fortunate that my husband is ridiculously outgoing, so I get the luxury of warily circling people before I have to really interact with them.
June 25th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Oh, I do so “get” this post. I’ve never been much of a joiner, … except when it comes to something I feel passionately about… like work, or travel, or, um, my daughter. That’s what makes the Mosse thing a bit tricky…
I like being a “tweener” in life. I can work out all the sharp edges by bumping against them. And, I’ve found wonderful friends at the playground…all of us bumping joyfully off the “Drama Mamas.” {No disrespect intended. :-}
p/s Your blog is so good! We are looking into adopting an “older” child from China. She is 11, and doesn’t have long to remain in the system. The “Home Study” is daunting, and time is of the essence. Thanks for the inspiration.